Board exam-who is appearing for it,anyway?

Folks, This is exam time and 12 th standard CBSE exams are going on.Yeah! the same mother of all school exams. Until your kids reach this level or your kids are well past this level ,there are all worthy reasons to give this exams a royal neglect. But if your children are appearing for this exam then I am sorry to say that you may damn, cuss,rant against this exam and, if you are particularly feeling flustered you can generally mix up your feelings about this exams and about  Kapil Sibbal, (you will feel a lot better to have a  human face to crib against ),but Heck NO! you can not neglect these exams. At least  for the whole year ever since your child passed his/her 11th grade exam and is promoted to 12th grade you are doomed to be obsessed with the 12 th standard .
The entire year of 12 th standard exam preparation goes like-
When a mom calls up her daughter whose kid is appearing for XII standard CBSE exam  and asks the daughter  to visit her ,the loving daughter replies like this-" I am sorry Mom I can't .you see Rahul beta is in 12 th standard now. I can't leave him alone."
When a friend asks the mother to join her for a picnic  she says" I am sorry sweety I can't .you see Rahul beta is in 12 th standard now. I can't have any fun this year.my child is afterall working so hard."
when the boss of the mother asks her to accept the promotion she says" I am sorry Sir  I can't. You see my child is appearing in 12 th standard exam this year, I can't afford to be busy since  my presence and moral support is required to him."
When the husband after coming back from a stressful day's work   proposes to his wife in the night like," shall we , errrrrrr, ummmmm.............?" the dutiful and beautiful wife instead of saying - not tonight sweetheart I have a head ache says inadvertently " not this year  sweet heart ,our son is in 12 th standard"
Horrified husband asks her " you mean , emmm , errr , uhhhh , ummmmm like the whole year? "
to which the wife replies with a  no nonsense tone -" yes he is in 12 th standard  for the whole year and if he does not get good marks he is considering repeating in 12 th standard next year."
Husband is speechless and  secretly counts the number of days for the exams to be finished.
The entire year can be called an year of denials. Parents decline invitations to parties, deny the guests who intend visiting, forgo TV  watching, forget dining out, postpone tours, in short they deprive themselves of every  lively moment in their lives.The usual life is completely stalled. Rahul baba    beta and Ishita beti who are appearing for the exam  feel the pressure of parental sacrifice and work even harder. The parents feel as though they are only studying in 12th standard with a minor difference that they do not have to study and do not mercifully  have to  appear for exam.
The mother applies a long leave from her job, wakes up with the kid , sleeps with the kid, gives him a healthy breakfast, hot hot lunch , dinners at any ungodly hour when the kid demands,sits through the night with her beta/beti for the company sake, forgets her own self and gets focussed on exam and result no less than the  mother goose sitting on her precious eggs.
Since the mother is all consummed by the 12th board exams ,she naturally starts losing appetite, she has given up partying,entertainment,socialising and every conceivable fun possible  from an already slim list of fun ideas  an Indian mom of grown up kids is allowed to have.To kill time she resorts to pining about her kids career , pooja path and mannats at every temple and giving regular reminders to her kid to work hard for 12th board.
Daddy dear however is going through the standards of the day and time to time reminds mom to remind kids to work hard as he would not like to  pay for kid's mobile and petrol bills all his life.
Following the advice from her husband mom takes up the job of giving reminders gentle or otherwise.
when kid demands a pizza ,she says " yes but you promise to score 95% marks in board exams". When  kid asks for going out with friends ,she says" yes if only you study for 23.5 hours in a day"
when the kid asks her to hand over the towel in bathroom which he/she forgot to carry she says" yes darling I will get your towel if you promise to be in the merit list of board exams" . The kids are flustered less with umpteen books and  scary numericals than with infinite expectations.
Parents are systematically investing in their children's careers lives.Some day when these kids grow up and want to have their way which might antagonise the parents , a  cliched statement like- how could you do that to me , I carried you in my womb for nine months? can be replaced by -how could you do that (read- marry inter cast/reject a job in USand take up one in India/ leave your job to pursue your hobby/ stay independently.......) ,I carried the burden of  your 12 th standard year and exams.
Once the exam date is declared , the scenario changes entirely. The kids are into their own world, studying , revising,memorising,calling up friends and discussing problems online.Parents are just left wondering if they have any role  to play in their kid's career.
In front of exam hall , all 12th grade examinees gather.They  discuss problems, reassured to see each others and geared up to sail through exams while parents are on needles and pins ,clueless and petrified.Kids are looking forward to exams and parents are thanking their stars that  they are done with their school pass out exam loooong back.Since kids are busy with their exam preparation parents are left to fend for their own worries and woes. To fill in the vacuum parents check up the time table again and again.Middle of the night a sweaty mom would see the calendar and time table to make sure that there is no goof up in dates. She has nightmares that her kid's physics paper was yesterday and she by mistake sent him on next day.
After a series of exams and results , the kid has gotten into a good college. Mom has just heaved a sigh of relief  and daddy dear is boasting to all his friends and colleagues about his kiddo's great achievement.While the kid is sent to college with a great sense of achievement ,father relieved to have a normal life resumed ,guests happy to be welcome once again , other members in the family overjoyed to reclaim their TV watching , in short everyone is feeling  just like kashmiri people would be  feeling after a long drawn curfew lifted .Its only the mom who looks at her empty nest and secretly counts the days for her kid's first vacation home.

We are for Men's day!

Recently I received a mail which ofcourse  has a humorous overtone yet I thought it  imperative to respond for the sake of non trivialising the women's issues.
The mail goes like.............

Who is a MAN?

A man is the most beautiful part of God's creation who starts
compromising at a very tender age.

He sacrifices his chocolates 4 his sister.

He sacrifices his dreams 4 just a smile on his parents face.

He spends his entire pocket money on buying gifts 4 the girl he loves
just 2 see her smiling

He sacrifices his full youth 4 his wife & children by working late @
night without any complaint.

He builds their future by taking loans from banks & repaying them 4 lifetime.

He struggles a lot & still has 2 bear scolding from his mother, wife & boss.

His mother, wife & boss all try 2 control him.

His life finally ends up only by compromising 4 others happiness.

Respect every male in your life.
U will never know what he has sacrificed 4U.

Worth sending 2 every man 2 make him smile & every woman 2 make her
realize his worth!!

Agar aurat par hath uthaye to BESHARAM,
Aurat se maar khae to BUZDIL,
Aurat ko kisi ke 7 dekh ker ladai kre to JEALOUS,

Chup rahe to DARPOK,

ghar se bahar rahe to AAWARA,

ghar me rahe to NAAKARA,

bachho ko dante to ZALIM,

na dante to LAPARWAH,

Aurat ko naukari karane se roke to SHAK KARNE WALA,

na rokey to BIWI ki kamai KHANE WALA,

Maa ki mane to CHAMCHA,

Biwi ki sune to Joru ka GULAM...
Na Jane Kab Aayega,

"HAPPY MEN'S DAY"

 My reply is-

This  post may be a day late but atleast not a dollar short as the  objective of this post is to assure  those among  the rest of the 50% of population who does not get covered by  8^th March celebrations ,who feel being short changed by not having an exclusive ‘men’s day’ declared by UN and no hullaballoo on their empowerment that we women are also for EQUALITY.

 Dear  all those men if you feel it is only unfair to not have a dedicated men’s day for you ,please know that  we women are willing to give you  one ,infact two (since you guys are so used to getting a larger share of everything from food  to education to attention) if for the rest of the 363 days you agree to play a ‘fair game’ .So , is it a deal that one day in a year we are in focus, our issues and concerns are addressed , two days yours and rest of the days in a  year  we share everything 50-50? Would you learn to be thoughtful about  the needs and   feelings  of  other sex?

 Do you promise that everytime there is a guy violating a girl , instead of some of   you joining him and forming a gang you would instead try to stop him?

Do you promise that you would not sneer at the jokes cracked on a woman’s anatomy? Nor would you make or encourage lecherous comments on any woman ?We promise even we would refrain from the same.

Dear guys, who can understand better than us  the feeling of being ‘left out’ so yup there has to be men’s empowerment  too . Your financial freedom , your  freedom to choose a partner, your need to dress up the way you want, your choice for a job -everything is as important as ours . So by same logic , our job, our education ,our freedom, our financial freedom is also equally important .We are ready to fight tooth and nail for your rights but would you fight for our rights too? Next time when your people  suggest that we don’t wear a jeans or stop working or hand over our entire money to them and be financially crippled ,we assume that you would see it wrong and oppose. We will also tell our parents in no uncertain terms that your dressing, your food choice, your earnings are completely your business .Deal?

Patriarchy hurts, stings and is at times killing  for both the sexes. Neither we like  to get a raw deal from family, society and its tenets  which are almost always askewed in favour of men  nor do you like to be the default  bread winners  for the family or have the  burdon of being the man in the shining armour so let’s decide to have a level playing field . You earn, we earn, you cook , we cook, you  wash the bums  and change the diapers of the baby and we do the same ……….but please, please don’t grudge on maternity leave issue .We promise if you become pregnant we women will fight for your right to maternity leave too.

Stop griping about being called as' joru ka gulam ,ma ka chamcha' etc because if you see it carefully ,these name callings are almost as much to women as to men  .Its a negative comment about a wife who tries to tame her husband or a mom who mollycoddles her grown up son .
If you are tired of treating us women as ‘objects’, if you feel sick that women are oppressed and are seen as your property ,if you feel that it is unfair to not allow a female child to be born, if you feel for the girl children who are forced into domestic labour,as sex workers,deprived of education expect to walk kilometers and kilometers to fetch water,abused ,subjected to domestic voilence,  then you do deserve a men’s day .

 Lets try to respect each other’s  right to live,individuality  , preferences for life styles and tastes. Let’s promise to treat each other’s as people. Nothing more nothing less.Deal?

The ‘Just Married, Please Excuse’ Contest

Eversince I came to know about this contest on YOEN's blog , I have  been thinking very hard about some funny incidence in  early years of our marriage .It was fun recalling many incidents of past which had been lost in the labyrinth of  time(I have been married for 2 deacdes now) .I read some wonderful accounts of newly married people . The stories of  newness , discovering each others(their idiosyncracies) , new place , new life has such mesmerising appeal that each story feels very close to heart . while i immensely enjoyed reading all these stories , here's mine
A Date which was quite an Antidate.

It seems like yesterday  when Hubby(yet to be)  and I were sitting before Havan and waiting eagerly to be pronounced as husband and wife.The Panditji asked S to chant Gayatri mantra and he candidly confessed "I don't know" and I registered the first -Oh ,  so he doesn't know this . Next day  we were invited at my mother's place for  Satya Narayan Pooja  where again the same panditji had come to direct the pooja  and when  once again he asked S to chant Gayatri Mantra, S just murmured something under his breath which got passed as Gayatri mantra and, I was thinking -----
Oh my God! This man is faking Mantra.
 If love is blind then  marriage restores the vision .
But I did not know that  envisioning happens so instantaneously  , like , within a day of marriage?
And from then on a journey called -discovering each other began . Although before marriage we both thought that we knew each other pretty well  it was only later that we experienced  the fair share of surprise in the deal .
We both almost instantaneously started making our  secret mental checklist of - 'to be changed', in each other.While he thought he married an immature , incurable romantic who was  domestically impaired I was bemused (infact, flabbergasted is the right word) to find  him romantically challenged ( before marriage I thought I was marrying Richard Gere + Pierce Brosnon combo.)
while he was put off to see me hanging my duppattas on door ,shoes always outside the shoe rack , I found it a big surprise that my man -mechanical engineer by profession could not use a single domestic gadget , Gas stove  lighter included.

Before marriage he conned me to believe that he was working  in a place  very close to Mumbai and I assumed it was a big city with all the advantages(read - availability of stuff for setting up new home) and I was suitably disappointed to find  a satellite township for stay , some 150 KM from Mumbai.
The real incident is our very first " DATE" after marriage. I was stuck in the township for almost 4 months now and was longing to go have some urban ,polluted, sky scrapping experience.
So , one day when   hubby got this one day tour to visit some industrial area in Thane to inspect some part of some machine used in his  plant and asked me to join I was in raptures.I imagined walking with him hands in hands, in a big city where nobody recognised us ,buying things for the household,eating in a decent hotel,not having to cook , if possible watching a movie and returning in the night .All this with the basic assumption that he just had to inspect some stupid part of some useless machine in his darned plant which would get done in a jiffy.
Next day when we were getting ready he told me that he preffered to go by company bus rather than company car so that after the inspection he did not have  to bother about car or driver and we would rather have our freedom to  roam the streets of Mumbai at own will.How Romantic! I instantly thought, I wasn't so wrong about him afterall (in the hind sight ,I really wonder what was I smoking to believe in his words).We boarded the bus and took the seats on 2X2 side . I took the window  seat and he took on the aisel side. Just when I was contemplating holding his hand , I saw him  exchanging  smile  with an  elderly man  who boarded the bus  with his wife and young daughter .They took the seats adjecent to us with the fatherly guy sitting on the aisel seat . My husband introduced me to him as his Senior manager in his plant  .Husband and his boss chatted animatedly ,passionately ,engrossedly about the plant , the inspection , and how the indigeneously made part was a huge saving to the company . I ofcourse abandoned the idea of holding husband's hand in presence of 'local Father in law' and kept looking outside from the window.I was only at 2 on 10 ,on disappointment meter and was anticipating great time together for the whole day. Sometime later I saw the local FIL doze off, hubby started reading Indian express .I lost hubby's attention to some  unnamed ,non descript  leopard which had entered the Borivali suburb and was caught by the  guards of Sanjay Gandhi abhayaranya.
We got down at a station closest to Thane and caught an auto Rickshaw ,some 100 potholes and 50 speedbreakers and about 39 rumbling strips later we reached a  place called Thane Industrial Estate .It is a huge premise with hundreds of small scale industries set up inside . The auto stopped at the gate and we walked inside . Husband promptly took out the map which he had got from someone who had already visited the place before and, like a true selfrespecting man , he marched purposefully according to the directions on map.I was  ambling with disinterest and looking around. There were  small factories which made -God alone knew what and why, the workers were mostly wearing dirty , torn vests and wrapped a chequered towel at the waist .Husband did not ask the way to anyone and walked resolutely while I all the while hoped to reach the place fast and get done with it faster.  Many left and right turns later I decided to eat the humble pie(ask someone for direction) ,obviously Hubby did not want to concede defeat in his superior mental  GPS .Hunger , thirst , disappointment ,anger, humidity had taken its toll on me and teary eyed I told him  I did not want to walk any further.  we suddenly found a man walking towards us .He was  incharge of the factory we intended visiting .Thankfully , he recognised my husband and took us to the inspection site. It was a very noisy workshop where  many Lathe machines  were kept and a strange shaped part was shown to my husband . He checked it in his hand , looked at it as if it was a piece of art work . To the Factory incharge's disappointment Hubby found some  major  problem in the piece and rejected the part . The man tried to convince him in vain . The more he tried to convince my husband , more arguments he put forward to reject the piece. The man looked at me helplessly ,I gave him a sympathetic and understanding nod as if to tell him that " I know this man is very fastidious , he can instantly find faults but it is not his mistake , what else do you expect from a man whose mother and mother in law were teachers?" .Finally  it was agreed upon that in next two hours they would make changes in the part and get the design approved and fresh piece will be made according to new specifications.
We decided to stay on till the time part was made and approved . They served us  kerosene flavoured tea in small glasses . It was already 2 pm and rumbling sound of hunger was competeing with the noise of machines in the factories around. One guy from factory  showed us the canteen where they served vada pav and tea. I summoned all my guts to eat that vada pav which tasted like -burning charcoal covered  in soggy newspaper.We loitered around the place  and  husband educated me about all the machines used in various factories.  My disappointment was 4 on 10 , at this juncture.
I most probably, being the only woman in the entire Industrial area got many eyeballs darting at us which discouraged me enough to hold my husband's hand .He ofcourse was not even toying with this idea . All he was praying was to hold the cold , black, odd shaped metal piece which  right now  seemed to be the sole source of his happiness.By this time my disappointement was 6 on 10 with the Date.
we reached the factory again , the work was in progress, we (?) watched the metal piece  , husband looked at it once again carefully and wrote some instructions, drew something to explain , waited some more while I shifting my  weight from   one leg  to another . Finally , the job was over and we were out of the mechanical madness .
Hubby dear was still talking about his assertion , his experienced eyes to find fault( despite my disappointment ,I could not have agreed more).
After we were safely out of the factory influence , I had some axe to grind with him about wasting our together time .The romantically challenged man in my life looked all confused and said: "but weren't we together all the time?" the score on disappointment meter was 10 on 10 .

On our return journey , we both were dog tired , annoyed with each other . I called him inconsiderate , he called me demanding .
 I  being prone to motion sickness just decided to sleep keeping my head on his lap , not bothering about his embarassment or anger (or the premonition of dealing with  wife who was ready to throw up anytime). I thought it was a fitting reply to this man.
 

It's raining !

The weather was today ‘poetry in motion’. The pregnant sky  with dusky clouds made   everything around look  darkly  silhouetted  .The light dimmed and cool breeze replaced the humid weather which was prevailing for a long time now.  The sky   somehow looked   overwhelmed despite the wafting of mischievous dark  clouds who were unwilling to give away their intentions of showering. The clouds ,for the larger part of the afternoon  played ‘catch me if you can’ and evoked a paranoia although it must have been hard for them  to shun the collective prayers of all the parched  souls .When it became difficult for them to keep a straight face ,seeing the people looking at sky in askance ,the clouds finally decided to pour.

The birds  scurried around , some poised ones like pigeons took refuge in the shades of building tops while some boisterous  ones excitedly flew around. There were several  pairs of Drongos which sat on the electric cables communicating and committing their love to each other that monsoon felt like a perfect season to fall in love . With all due respect to  Meteorological guys and their calculations ,I strongly feel that birds  are the true harbingers of rains.

The clouds first warmed up ,took a slow motioned route to downpour and started a rhythmic pitter patter .  Eventually  they caught the right mood and finally  decided  not  to withhold and  just let their hair down . Thunderclaps  joined the  gang of clouds and caused raucous intermittently.

The trees  swayed with the tempo of flowing cool breeze , the fresh air seemed to be cantering on a nimble horse who  penetrated everywhere. It stormed into trees , oscillating the flowers gently , buzzing into my ears ,ruffling the hair  yet not able to intimidate  the  kids cycling all around the roads.

The downpour and breeze mixed up together and made an amazing elixir which soothed all the matter around, whether animated or otherwise. The occasional sprays which I was exposed to standing near the  mesh door felt  so irresistible and inviting that Pax (kid#2) and I decided to just splash ourselves  into rain.

We took out our scooter and  made a dash  .The heavy rain drops felt soothing as well as prodding  on the body. The wetness in our hair comforted the sweat laden hair .I couldn’t have had enough of nippiness. The sound of gushing water on the road was music to ears ,it kind of whispered reassuringly, bringing a gentle uplift in the mood. We sang  as we  romanticized the rain .Undeterred by the splashing water because of scooter and other vehicles , we just challenged the rain drops and braved them on our face.

The weather was a perfect ‘kidnap worthy’ one i.e. take a friend of your choice , kidnap him /her and just go dashing , soaking in the rain .Now it should  be as easy as taking a candy from a baby ,is it not? But , do we ever  do it ? The answer is – unequivocally NO. It’s a pity that we let  such fine weather go waste sitting at home. If next time  rain invites you , I urge you to go out , kidnap a friend or better still get kidnapped  and drench yourself to the heart’s content.

Did you say , I am  waxing lyrical ? well yes , I am. But   doesn’t  so the rain God in Monsoon?

Being Lucky

Dear lady luck,
( or are you Mr. Luck ? Though I would like to believe that you are a lady given your wonderful presence  and your ability to take 'criticism' in your stride and above all non complaining attitude). Ofcourse there are scores of people who curse you and claim that they always have bad luck in life  yet  you continue with your acts with   nonchalance as per plan .But thats not the point here and I digress.
You and I have always been in  each others good books come what may .Even when I was tossed into a party where they all played HOUSIE with great frenzy as if it was some intellectual game which demanded highest order thinking skill  and  wherein  I  always ended up  waiting  for one last number to  be called with a baited breath which would enable me to win top row with  Rs15 , Full house with Rs.32 or bull's eye with Rs.17.The  number remained elusive ,it was never called  but no hard feelings.......neither for 'not winning' nor for being roped into one such party.
Nope ! I did not even complain when income tax department picked up my name by computerised lottery  for  random scrutiny and I had to visit the office thrice in three consecutive vacations I  suffered  enjoyed in India . I did not grudge  frequenting banks for this paper , that account details , this documentary proof and the Income details which in the end were found measely and satisfactory by I Tax department.
Despite being in each others good books , atleast I had stopped bothering about your presence .
I did not care if you shadowed me or left me.
But , very recently I had another experience of you still hanging around me and generously sprinkling 'goodluck' my way. It was one fine morning when I received a phone call from some 'Sansthan' from Banaras telling me that my mobile number has been choosen as lucky number and I will be sent an EKMUKHI RUDRAKSH very soon free of charge .I just had to listen to the sermon of how I was so lucky among 3000,000 people whose number was  picked up by  the lottery and how I was going to get benefitted by it . This  Ekmukhi Rudraksh is a wonderful free gift which would ensure that I get to buy a house next to Ambani's Antilla House , I will have 24X7 water running in that house ,my neighbour's dog will suffer from schizophrenia and will have hallucinations and would slip into acute depression and eventually stop barking  at us , my kid will give up the idea of a tattoo of a pirate  on his bicep ,I will suddenly develop a wonderful aesthetic sense and start neatening the house with passion and so on and so forth.
Dear lady , Ofcourse it was infinitely kind of you to throw this windfall my way but you see, I had to decline this offer because the Ekmukhi Rudraksh was not  available in either purple with pink polka dotts or green with white stripes and any other colour scheme would not match with my favourite ,latest ensemble .
I would  have  rather preffered    you once in a while upgrading my economy class air tickit into business class or ensure a free gift of Blackberry on a scratch card on purchase of grocery worth Rs.1000 from the nearest mall.Anyway! its your call young lady and I definitely do not want to dictate the terms .
For , with you or without you - I am doing great .
I can smell the wet earth and experience  a pleasant feeling   in my head.
I can hear a cuckoo sing and it makes me  smile in my heart.

I can see an array of Gulmohor (flame of the forest) with dark orange mixed with crimson red and just be spellbound .

I see  a bulbul  perching on the roof of a newly constructed house with the air of a rightful owner and believe me that's what i feel is lucky.

Just yesterday I heard a Swift cry ,hauntingly beautiful as it was about to have pittar patter of rain drops and it made me nostalgic. Now that's what I call is being lucky.
Lady , as long as I have people around to love me unconditionally , hold my hands and smile at me and accept me with all my follies -I don't really care a hoot if you are hanging around or not .
Now , it may sound rude but that is the truth.
So , keep in touch if you want .
yours truthfully
kirti

PS- please feel free to shower your bounty of emails to people telling them they have won a lottery , they have won a gold coin , lottery of one million or a dinner  date with Katrina. Atleast I will not fall for it.


My very own Gulmohors............

  

Granny that she was

She breathed her last on Feb 1 st . she must be 101 years or may be 102 or 99….. a few  years difference did not matter for her  age .All I can say   is she was always old yet independent and  active as far as I  remember.

I became her another grand-daughter asa I was married and she was instantly on her job to pamper  one more grandkid  in addition to existing three .Same happened after my SIL got married she started doting on her husband too .She did not take time to wean out of formalities , she knew her role ……to be a granny as loving as she could get.

She never conceded to her old age  , she was one person who never withdrew from the happening scene in the household. She cooked as long as her feet allowed her to stand at one place long enough, she cleaned veggies, she hovered in kitchen ,exchanged recipes(yes exchange ! she would tell recipes of traditional dishes and asked for recipes of Idli , dosa , noodles). She never objected to trying new dishes including Pizza from Dominos. She was quite at the center stage of the house and remained relevant all her life.

Even people visiting us had an independent rapport with her . There were regular visitors in the house who came to seek her blessings on Dussera , Diwali ,  New  year .

When her great grand kids arrived , she was all enthusiastic to do the same job for them what she must have done for her grandkids ……..she told them stories ,bathed them often  when they were infant , fed them to the brim. Infact my elder son who is now going to be 17  even remembers she playing catching the  ball or playing cards with him. I very often secretly thought that she was capable of  spoiling the kids silly but it’s a miracle that none of her grand kids  or great grand kids were spoilt (that includes my husband too-I must admit begrudgingly). Ofcourse  it meant that she had a complete awareness of what was  pampering to the right degree.

She was hard of hearing for last many many years ,one handicap she could never come to terms with because she longed to make conversations , she always wanted to be in the loop . Her worst fear was to be sidelined in the family and to avert  that she constantly demanded attention , wanted to know more and more and this used to very often lead us to  exasperation and frustration . In retrospect we all (me, my husband ,  SIL ,BIL  ) feel that we should have been more patient to her and talked more.My Sil’s husband and my father  were two people who were most patient with her , talking sweetly. SIL’s  husband  even pulled  her leg at times which she always took in her stride . we communicated by dumb charades , wrote on white board , talked loudly( most of the guys in my house are ‘natural’ at it) almost in her ears . My  high frequencied  voice came to my advantage and BIL would sometimes talk in whistle which her antennas would catch without fail.

She was my mom in law’s mom . She lost her only daughter about 18 years back and eversince was staying with us . Barring a few initial years which she took to come to terms with her huge loss she was cheerful all her life. She learnt to dwell in the  happy  memories of her daughter and often talked about how my MIL got married, how was she as a young child , about my MIL’s job . She was very  fond of her Son in law. She was grateful to my FIL all her life for the fact that he had promised  to take care of her right at the time of his marriage.

If I want to capture the memories of last 18 years  she was with us , there are so many ………………….

She wanted to cook many dishes for me when I was pregnant and was suitably disappointed to know that I did not have any specific cravings ,  she did not teach me in a clinical way how to cook but since I played assistant to her in first few years of my marriage I learnt to cook her way. My cooking has  a very strong identity of her style of cooking . she  was so much enthusiastic about cooking that she was always contemplating making pickles , masala , wafers etc . Once ingredients were brought home , she would start follow up about when were we to  take up the task . When we shifted to a new flat on second floor above which we had a huge terrace her enthusiasm to make papads and potato chips and such stuff went on the hilt and everyday when  I came back from my job (I was teaching in a college then) would know that she had made some or the other thing and put it on terrace for drying . It was almost like she could not see the hot Sun getting waste . I used to get angry that she was exerting so much , I told her nobody wanted to eat fried stuff but it wouldn’t dissuade her . she not only made such stuff , fried them when guests came and each time I noticed that-  thesedays nobody likes to eat fried stuff  was such an unfounded argument.

She insisted on cooking until  she was about 90 years , even if she was feeling giddy and If I cooked complete meal before going for work , she would say ,  “ though I am not feeling well now  soon I will be alright  leave some cooking for me too”

Having her around was our mental preoccupation specially In last one year . if we had to go out ,  my SIL and me being in the neighbourhood always worked out between us who would keep company to her. Having 4 great grand children around in the last one year of her life was the best thing that could happen to her. She very generously gave money to all of us on our birthdays , festivals and insisted on buying new clothes. She enjoyed our  children , celebrated our lives, even if the youngest grandchild passed 1 st std exam she would distribute sweets and before the result plead God to pass him.

Her perceptiveness was something we could never defeat. She always knew if someone was angry, upset or sad. She would pester them to know what happened . did everyone eat, did everyone reach home safely , did anyone   not feel  well …….everything would come on her Radar and God save you ,if anything was the matter , she would not  let you be in peace until she knew what the matter was.

She was frail , weighing not more than 40 kgs but had a very strong presence in the house. She roamed about the whole house , making a mental note of everything and would awe  us with her alertness. If and when I went on a cleanliness drive she would ask one very pertinent question ‘  was anybody visiting?’   however annoying this could be , she was more often than not right in her guess.

She was a constant in the family for so many years, she used to go out very once in a while .I was so used to having her around and her constantly reminding me that she depended on all of us made my vision impaired …..I could not see that I depended on her as much as she depended on me/us. I considered that she will remain forever with us , I took having her around for granted , I mistook her company forever, whenever she demanded something I always felt ‘there  always was tomorrow to do it’ her normal routine and reasonably good health and independence   misguided me to not realize that she was 100 and any day could be her last day. I felt as though 100 years were not too many , there was always going to be the next day. Where was she going? What if she wanted to eat something special ? I could make it some day soon.Even in her last 3 days of life when she was hospitalized all of us  could see her end coming .It was just a matter of days and looking to her age and  frail body we infact  prayed that her illness should not prolong too far. In my  falsely assumed wisdom I thought I was prepared for the event of her death.  what I did not realize that event of death was something anyone with bare minimum common sense could anticipate what I had failed to  realize was nothing in the world prepared me for her non existence.

I did not know that –

 coming back home , opening lock , looking at her bed , her smiling photo , her constant talking I would miss so much.

 The gnawing feeling that she is waiting for me at home  and I am gone for too long , she wants me to talk to her and I am too preoccupied to talk will not budge from heart.

 She will leave a void in my home and heart.I will have to learn to live without her , as if a shelter is missing and I am standing under the hot Sun uncared for.

I wish I had told her what she meant to me. I wish  I had known it in full measure how much she meant to me.There are thousands of - I wish , hundreds of - guilts and an uncountable number of  memories which fill up my heart to think about her.  She was affection personified and her GGKIDS never had to learn the lessons of moral science to know how to treat elders in the family . they just learnt it by sheer virtue of her affection.

wedding anniversary .

I got up early , all excited , with an air of anticipation ,expecting incessant phone calls , mailbox flooded with congratulatory mails and smses saying all cute and funny things on having completed 20 years of married life. For some weird reason I was expecting the whole world to remember that it was my marriage anniversary today and was hoping that everyone I know would take its cognizance.


For the record , darling hubby did call up at 12 .00 midnight to wish ‘happy anniversary’ .He has never forgotten any important dates so far and that makes him qualify in the rare category of husband community who do not make obvious mistakes .

Early morning my brother called up , he talked about Lokpal bill , shared his kids’ antics while I all the while hoped that he would now congratulate me ,now would the C word come but all in vain .

I asked him - It's December you remember anything special?

Bro: yup. Christmas , year end, account closing time , my car’s insurance ……he would have gone on.

I had given up hope on he remembering on his own so I decided to be direct.

Me: its December 29th my wedding anniversary

Bro: oh yeah………I remember 20 years back ……29th you got married , 31st I rushed for Delhi for coaching.

This is the only thing he remembers about my marriage ? How self centered .

The C word was still not on its way .

Me: Do mom, dad remember?

Bro: I am not sure ,I will remind them though.

Me: wouldn’t you congratulate me ?

By this time , he had decided to be evil and …….a wet blanket and……. a spoil sport and was all set to pour cold water over my enthusiasm .

Bro: I will ask wifey to do that on our behalf. She looks after public relations in the family.

Me:Grrrrrrrrrr!

And he hung up . some time later I got an insipid Sms saying Congratulations but by then I had given up on bro atleast .

In the afternoon Mom called up . I complained and sulked .

Me: you did not remember that it was my wedding anniversary today , right?

Mom: Ofcourse we did . Just yesterday we were reminiscent of how it being the coldest day of the decades we had to make extraordinary arrangements for quilts and beddings for the guests .

(So even she had only such memories invoked .no special mention of my effort to make the marriage work , no C word and I was blaming brother for being self centered .I decided to go along with the flow of conversation in order to feel less frustrated)

Me: yeah…I remember . The previous to previous night I had put mehandi and because of severe cold the mehandi felt so chilling on hand and feet and there was a Bon fire in the backyard on the previous to previous night.

Mom: yeah and sooooo many relatives attended your wedding . almost everyone invited had come and dad had had a bad tooth ache . He wore dhoti despite my advice to wear coat and formals for wedding but he never listens to me………..And it was a two days wedding .These days nobody has it for 2 days.

OK. Now daddy wants to speak to you.

Dad: hello beta . our ashirvads to both of you .

Oh , I know my dad always speaks right things . He knows my feelings. He will never disappoint me . He is the best………….let hubby learn a few lessons from him on sensitivity ,it’s never too late.

The next thing will be Congratulations , I know.

Dad: Did S(hubby ) call up? Tell him I asked about him .

Me: yes dad , he did at 12 O Clock.

Dad: ask him not be awake till so late. How’s he doing there? We have received his PMI certificate and I have kept it securely .

Being thoroughly disappointed that nobody was interested to congratulate us or even as much as say ‘many happy returns ‘ even if in perfunctory way I now decided to call up people and tell on my own that it was our wedding anniversary today (as if they had won a chance to talk to me on phone ).

So , here are some snippets of conversations I had with family .

Cousin S : Hey didi , yr wedding anniversary today ? wow! We had so much fun on your wedding . It was the first wedding in family . We had so much of euphoria of buying new dresses, meeting up other cousins. So many relatives came and stayed with us .

Brotherin law: Gawd ! what a cold day it was. I was ferrying people to and fro all the day in my brand new car . what a trustworthy Fiat I had . You remember, due to biting cold many people did not turn up for the reception in the evening and we ended up having a tank full of Gulabjamuns.

I laughed away to glory remembering how my MIL was packing those Gulabjamuns for every guest taking leave and me and my BIL were keeping a count and tchtching the loss.

BIL: you remember , for days together we used to sit on steps and eat those gulabjamuns ,even when there were only floating pieces left in the syrup? What fun it was.

SIL: Hey yr wedding day I wore the orange saree . I have my so far the best photos taken in your wedding.

FIL: A gift of 4000/ sanctioned to you. 1000/for S and 3000/ for you.

Cousin A : my mom made me and my sis P wear similar shiny dresses and P had a big bandage on her head which she flaunted like a head gear .

Uncle B has had a memory loss recently so I told him ,it was my wedding anniversary today and it has been 20 years since I am married.

Uncle B: (accompanied with a roaring laughter) arrre wah! But are you counting ? was it so tough all these days?

Even I could not stop laughing the way he said . we both had a hearty laugh together.

Late in the night I told hubby about all these conversations and he laughed and said ,

So you called all these people on your own ?what were you expecting ? that you will be given a lifetime achievement award for putting up with me for 20 years .

I was speechless and then he said ‘our marriage is our matter , we owned it so well , people may have had stake in the wedding but never in our marriage so they will never be able to see it beyond wedding reception and glamour (did we have any?)’ .

Right, If he had been a drunkard or I had been a ‘main ghar chhod ke jaa rahi hoon types’(Please note the types of vices of men and women ,while a man has to be a drunkard to spoil the marriage ,women just have to threaten to leave and she qualifies for spoiling the marriage. Talk of hippocratic standards! ) then all these people would have pitched in and tried us to stay together but since there was never a chance of such emergency , our marriage reminded only this little to them .

I asked hubby what he remembered of our wedding day

Hubby : you were the simplest bride I had ever imagined . You could have even gone to college if you wanted, on our wedding day.

Me: that’s a huge huge exaggeration ,never heard of something so silly . How could it be possible , how could I go to college on our wedding day?

Hubby : yeah , right .It would not have been possible. We got married on Sunday.


PS-So, this is the documentation of some of the events of our wedding . It was quite a non glamorous , 2 days jamboree with hundreds of people from both the families attending and contributing a huge loss to the national income by being absent from work.And guys , while everyone around had lots of fun, me and my husband were just incidental in the whole scheme of things.