MY Driving Lessons

I learnt driving car about 8 years ago.I learnt it the hardest way possible as,

1)It was my husband's car , it was brand new and .....I was no more new ( I hope you understand the subtleness).
2) My eldest son was   6  years old at that time and had become articulate enough to opine about my driving skills.
Looking to the circumstances I was not very eager to learn driving at first but since we were staying in a township then and those who have experienced township life would know that things happen en-masse in a township and on  an epidemic proportion.
Most of the employees go to their factory/plant at the same time,punch together  at the time office , their kids go for karate class on Monday , Tuesday and Friday together and  go for Synthesiser class on Tuesday, thursday and Saturday together.Their wives  meet on bus stop to wave byes to their school going kids together and meet for a kitty party in the noon together. That's   about everything   of township life.
So, it was now the onset of a new epidemic in our township . All my freinds were learning to drive car.Every weekend I used to receive a phone call from one of my friends claiming that she had got her freedom of movement now.Losing a friend like this from the non driver's  end was not  a very good feeling.
A recently converted friend tried to convince me that  driving will be very useful to me as the college I was working in ,was far off and I could drive to college myself instead of depending upon the bus service.She also told me that now whenever her son misses the school bus she goes to drop him to school without having to plead her husband to drop the son to school first .I can't say which prospect , former or latter , enticed me more but I finally decided to learn driving inspite of all odds against me.
I declared to husband that I wanted to learn driving .Since driving institute guy would not be available by the time I came back from work, it was incumbent upon my husband to teach me  to drive.
The tumultous journey began on the following evening.The Standard Operating Procedure  (SOP) was decided.
Husband : seatbelt
Me         : yes
Husband : left foot on clutch , right on accelerator
Me         : yes
husband   : steering wheel straight , do not  hold very tight
Me          : OK
Husband : ignition
Me          :vroom vroom( I would key in )
Husband : Now , press the clutch , take the car in first gear ,pull the foot off  the clutch and apply accelerator gently
Me         :  (confused inwardly ) yes  yes.

Here was the glitch as my right foot had a mind of its own . My right foot just could not apply enough acceleration  and as a result the engine would cough and sputter ,the car would take a small jump and stop.   It happened about 10-15 times and my husband who was committed to try to be patient gave up.apparently it was a case of "failure to launch".
Although so far there had been no success in driving the car ,I had atleast been able to drive him crazy.
 Husband : you can not learn it (in this life)
Me          : let me give it one more try
Husband  : OK , one last time .give good acceleration
again we went through the drill of SOP
and,I actually accelerated this time  .The Car was jumping and moving and jumping and moving (I was thrilled that it did budge finally) but Husband was wild ,"Oh God! you have applied third gear instead of first , that's why its knocking". I learnt an important technical word from driving jargon that when car jumps and moves forward , its called "knocking".Husband was obviously less than amused about the progress made about my practical as well as  theoritical learning.
Next day , as  luck would have it , my brother(elder) came to visit us.Now , our domestic driving school had 3 male instructors (one in command , 2 on back seat driving ie my brother and my son) and poor me on the hot driving seat. The driving endevour began ............ I could now start the car alright, take it into first gear and go.Its only while shifting it into second gear  there was some problem.I  could not put my foot off the accelerator while putting it in second gear . "you will spoil the gears of my car"he screamed.
Me: your car! OK , now I wash my hands off your car. I am not learning .
Brother on the back seat ,who was all the while joining the instructor brigade ,came forward to pacify me.
Suddenly husband brightened up and said"why don't you choose whom you would learn the driving from , me or your brother?" I was speechless .How would I to make a choice between a     sty and conjunctivities? They both irritate and cause tears. Anyway the baton was passed on to my brother the next day and , it need not be mentioned he was not only harsh and impatient , he was ridiculing me too .He was  settling his previous score with me.( I still suspect that he was doing it all this just to make things even with me  because as a child I always went to Mom and backbited against him).
Brother: you should have been  staying in US .
Me    : Why?
Bro    : because you drive on the right side of the road and you need  a vehicle with automated gear so that     there is no need of manual changing of gears.
Me    : have patience with me , I am only learning
Bro    : How long will you keep your status as a  learner? someday you will  have to declare that you have learnt.
Me     :( brooding ) hmmmm
Slowly and slowly I started driving the car , independently . Husband was still issuing instructions, finding faults ,criticising   my reflexes but I was beyond  any   dissuasion.
Even Sonny boy would sometimes  ask
son: mommy is the car in first gear? .
Me: why do you ask?
Son : I thought so because you are driving pain fully slow.
Me : Shut up or get down.
Son : Ok. let me get down.I want to reach fast .I would better walk.
Husband: ( he was kind enough to not  to say anything ,he just laughed)
Despite everything , it was a wonderful feeling to be able to drive , I felt like a fairy with a pair of wings (If you think this is too narcisstic then may be I was like a witch with a brand new broom).
In the early days of driving ,I even had dreams of driving past my friends,driving on highways , crowded places, maneouvering car in reverse gear with great skill.sometimes I used to get so stressed  in my sleep that I used to clinch my fists. I told this to my friend who was now driving on high ways regularly.
She said"You should not have learnt driving from  your husband or brother. they are the men who can wield power over you .This direct learning is actually bad for a beginner's confidance."

me       : then, what should have I done?
Friend  :You should have asked husband's brother , friend's husband or brother's friend to teach you to drive
  me    :  (Iwas clueless) so that.....?
Friend : Oh! don't you know, men can be wonderfully sweet and sensitive when they are dealing with a woman who is neither their wife nor a sister .They are the guys to be looked for when  patience and sensitivity is required.
me      : HMMMMM
Friend : I hope , I have driven the point home.
me      : absolutely.

A thought (full )of gifts

 I am loved abundantly , infact disproportionately , that's the  reason I always get flooded with gifts. Even those gifts  ,which I do not want .
I am gifted so many lipsticks  by one of my cousins , over and over,  for many years  that  I can easily cover the entire China wall with graffiti  with   these lipsticks.
I have a whole lot of decorative candles in  store that  will suffice  entire Delhi to light up in case of a  grid failure .
I even have bags and purses of various shapes and sizes , one of them is a bamboo weaved hand bag which cannot hold more than a folded news paper but can be an excellent penetrating device specially handy while travelling in a crowded bus.
A well meaning friend of mine gifted me with floating candles"these will decoarte the dinner table when you have a party at home"she said. Little does she know that when I have a party at home , I can barely find time to decorate myself  in  the time available  between massive cooking and arrival of first guest . Dinner table  would stand poor second  here. Anyway, I thanked her and  put this floating population of candles along with the permanent resident ones.
I have  about half  a dozen bangle boxes  which I got as a gift in my wedding  . Some practical and forsighted people had  already  invisaged that soon I would be yearning  for  many hands like Durga devi to  churn  out the lunches , dinners, fold clothes, roll chapatis ........and in case my wishes were granted , these bangle boxes would  accomodate the extra bangles which I would need to wear in those supplementary hands.
I even have a whole lot of cookery books  as gifts.Soon after marriage when  I would have  preffered being invited  for dinners rather than cooking  them,I only had these books to  fend for myself.Obviously there were some  people  with  fishy intentions among the invitees, who thought it better to teach me to fish rather than providing me with one. How I wish , reading receipes could make our stomachs fill.
And did I mention about the volume of crockery I have got which is sufficient to handle  atleast a double century of fights  between me and my husband just in case we fell short of  words.
In case you are inclined to jump on a conclusion that I am complaining about receiving these not so useful gifts , No! not at all. I loved to receive all these gifts because they all convey the same meaning to me that I am loved , remembered and cared for. Its only the utilitarion me who keeps wondering what to do with these gifts.
 I am a person very easy to go with. I did not mind it when my husband went to Hyderabad and, on my threatening him not to come  back empty handed, bought me a very expensive set of "Bombay Dying "bed sheets.I am not so insensitive to not to understand that it's  the feeling and thought behind it which is so important and not the gift per se.  Ofcourse I would have  been equally pleased if he had bought me pearls  instead , but Bombay Dying bed sheets were also fine with me.
Next time , he bought me pearls(from Amritsar)  but that's  an entirely different story and his personal matter , my fighting and sulking about the colour of bedsheets has nothing to do with it. Afterall every husband gets smart with the passage of time , right ?

On The Pretext Of Women's Day -08.03.2010

 As I key in these words I am feeling a bit overwhelmed for the fact that when I was born ,or for that matter, all the women of my generation  or previous generations were born in India atleast , their parents had never heard of  sex determination tests  , nor did they contemplate   female infanticide the solution to the problem of having  to raise one more unwanted girl in the family. 

Ofcourse I was always given to beleive that my parents longed to have a girl child  and when I was born their joy knew no bounds.I had  no reason to doubt that yet as a little girl I always suspected a thin  biasedness in their actions towards my elder brother.

When they thought it was a right age for my brother to learn cycling , he was bought a brand new cycle (men's cycle) ,he learnt cycling and so did I ,on the same cycle, but nobody ever thought of buying a girl's cycle for me .In those  time   parents did not buy books, cycles , toys seperately for  each kid.These things used to be a shared property, even handed down to younger cousins later on .Despite this fact I always took this personally and thought it was partial of them to not to buy me a cycle. They always bought new dresses for me on every festival which made me feel very special as a girl and I took it as a celebration of girlhood to be able to receive gifts on Rakhee /bhai duj or get  a new dress.

In the course of time I realised that when my brother planned to go for a movie , he was given money and was allowed  without  much hassle  whereas I couldnot dream of any such adventure without having to answer a series of questions  and any slight reason was enough to get a clear big No. To save myself from such disappointments I stopped getting into any such plan.I took it as a trade off , If I wanted to be pampered as a girl  I had to give up my idea of fun to go out with friends for movies .

Similarly, One of my best friends, lets call her  V , only sister of 3 brothers was raised with a sole focus , to teach her every skill which would make her an outstanding wife. Her father was the most indulgent father I have  known .All  her over protective brothers and father used to talk 24X7 was about  giving her away to a prince charming(which they only were going to choose ofcourse) in the most grand weddding they could afford.My friend took this doting , a bit stifling albeit,  in her stride.She would cook, stitch, knit ,weave the dreams of her wedding and feel thrilled.
She too, just like me, took this whole game plan as a trade off.If she was to be loved so profusely she had to  give up certain freedom  in her life.

Me and my frined V were the two examples of daughters who were wanted and welcome in the family but , I knew many of my friends who were one of the many sisters before a badly wanted brother was born in the family. The sisters were raised on hand me downs ,old books  and shared all the deprivations to be able to save something for their  young  brother. One such  classmate of mine, named C here , used to cook for the family, bath the baby brother, helped in many household chores before coming to school.She knew this Home Work was priority for her. Just like us, she also took it as a tradeoff .If she wanted to continue with her studies she had to give up her certain rights .

Another friend  of  mine, lets call her D , who was second daughter in the family and had two  more brothers was removed from an English medium school  and was sent in a vernacular school because father could not afford the fees.
She and her sister studied in Vernacular school while brothers studied in an English  medium school. The girls had little choice but to accept the decision . They took it as a trade off between a good school for them and a good future for their brothers and may be parents.

There must have been many more examples around   but the point here is , all these girls were allowed to be born and their parents did what they thought was best for the family(not necessarily for the girl) .
The girls were treated less than equal in the family but   more  importantly these  girls did not brew contempt.They accepted the unfairness meted out to them without protest and yet remained forward looking.

V is now  a mother of  3 daughters , all equally loved ofcourse. I cannot say how good she proved to be as a wife but she is an outstanding mother. Her daughters are learning swimming, badminton, aspiring for good careers .She knows that  ostentatious weddings  for her daughters  can not be the  agenda of life.

C is happily teaching  Maths in an Engineering   College.Her daughter is learning Bharatnatyam.

D too is  a teacher . Happy and independent .
Now, about me, though my sacrifice looks really lame before what all C, D and V had to sacrifice in their lives  , we all learnt the same thing in the course of changing times that celebrating girlhood is not all about giving up things in life  . We all have brought this correction in our thinking . All these friends of mine are celebrities in their own right who till today do not hold grudge against their parents . The  parents did what they thought was best as per their discretion and their daughters did what they thought was best as per theirs.
So my this post is a toast and tribute to all those women who succeeded  against all odds and never became bitter in life.

                  Happy women's day to all of you .

Save the tiger (from public ignominy)

Tiger of the urban woods (TUW) came out in open , faced the media , mother and the country first time after the -the world knows it all  now- we have spilled the beans   act of his more than 2 baker's dozen   betraying girl friends and the accident his car  had  with a fire hydrant and a tree(a common  urban man would have an uninteresting accident with a girl in the opposite car -point to be noted).

 the most difficult   part must have been to face the mother ,afterall media and country will soon have other things to bother about , but no you cannot run away from your own mother and mother in law ,right?

Since then , TUW has been chased by everyone, I mean,people are curious to know- how on earth?

 How ,could he do that ?

how could, he do that ?

how could he, do that?

how could he do , that?

If you type tiger in google search  you will find  43,000,000 results  against the measely no of 1411  tigers in Indian woods if you search really hard for them . Poor Indian tigers ,imagine their plight , they stand poor second in popularity too. save Indian  tigers, from obscurity atleast.

So, coming back to the TUW , he apologised to the family and friends and wife and kids and most importantly the famous brand owners/CEOs, for the brands  he was endorsing. American being very forgiving(remember Hillary Clinton how magnanimously she forgave her husband when such  a need arised in her marriage and his presidency),  I have little doubt that people will not forgive him eventually  or atleast forget his (mis)adventures off the Golf field.
 Right now TUW has been undergoing a  rehab treatment in Florida and he needs to be left alone there
 (ALONE -OK) .
People are chasing him to ask a thousand questions and hence ,for the benifit of all  the nosy parkers he has answered some FAQs here ......

Q1) what kind of rehab programme have you joined in Florida ? please tell us some details .
A1)  Well! its on the same lines as alcoholics anonymous with a little bit of difference in its treatment .
its called "womenohlics unanimous". It is a comprehensive treatment program which focusses on life style, pschycological help , medications, yoga and even spirituality. Indian philosophy and spirituality has been given  particular emphasis in the  program.

 Q2) what kind of life style changes have  they advised you  ?

A2) Again , its the same as you would suggest to someone who wants to quit drinking or smoking like - don't keep the women at home . if you really want them badly ,you should plan to visit her atleast 200 kms away from your place, the trouble of driving through the traffic , taking a time out from the routine , homely surroundings would discourage you from the craving .another thing is , we are advised to keep off from the company of people(women) who make you vulnerable . we should hang out in the company of men , preferably those who have unconventional inclination or lack of it towards women .

Q3) what are the other activities in this rehab plan?
A3) we have catharasis sessions here wherein many famous people with different careers come and talk about how their career suffered due to the addiction  .like they  had  called Bill Clinton to share his experience about how he was close to impeachment during his presidency term.
Also, I have an inmate , a geriatric guy called ND Tiwari from India who talked about how he was caught by a snoopy camera and had to lose his governer's job recently. There are some Bollywood film stars also  who are undergoing the treatment here .
there is one guy called Aman Verma whose career has ruined because of the addiction and another guy -Shakti Kapoor  whose addiction was soo bad that  even  very old bollywood actresses came to sets with their moms and, these moms being on death beds and not having their  mothers alive had to engage private musclemen for  their security.   this guy ,shakti kapoor is a big time villain in bollywood who   was shown to  rape atleast 3  women per movie .In order to bring a touch of  reality in to his job  he went on to buy a casting couch and practiced on it , as per the scene's demand. Now he is under most intensive treatment here.
then , there is a spiritual leader called  Asa Ram bapu who is also invited here.

Q4) Asaramji? but we have heard that he is also involved in cases of  voilating women ?
A4) Yes , yes .....I mean NO NO .he is not called here for spiritual counselling but for catharasis session only.

Q5) what kind of diet and medication is  prescribed to you ?
A5) I am mostly on a raw diet , like raw onions, garlics and some  offensive smelling raw sea food .
     these foods will prevent me from all those girls who show extra ordinary interest in me.
 medication is mostly to detoxify the body . I am asked to avoid xinseng ,a korean aphrodiasiac and have been given an  antiviagral IV 4 times a day.

Q6) What kind of Pschycological help is given to you so far?
A6) I am told that  acknowledging your mistakes is the  biggest step in the direction of feeling guilt free and start afresh . so I am given many counselling sessions in which I jot down all my sorties  encounters with different girls which I would eventually tell my wife . Obviously I do not remember each one of them so Iam given hypnosis treatment through which I will recall certain objects girls from my subconscious memory  and would talk about them to my wife Elen.

Q7) are you hopeful that your wife will  forgive you ?
A7) Ofcourse . there are some short sessions  of counselling for families of victims of addiction also .
like my wife will be attending a  seminar by Hillary clinton on "how to move on" and a special crash course by regressive women's  magzine editor and  Indian serial producer Ekta kapoor  on " Kapati parmeshwar". I am sure such efforts will be helpful.

Q8) Do you feel that your fame, money , popularity made it easy to  be falliable? do you have any advice for a common man ?
A8) Yes , money , popularity made me think ,it was all I deserved and was alright to have . for the common man I have only one advice - have your EMI's so high that you do not have time and energy and resources  to think of  EMA's.

Q9) what are EMAs?

A9) Oh!  they are  Extra marital affairs- simply .

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nb- while creating this blog  I had unchecked the adult stuff content and I still stand by it. Information  given here is purely  of academic and curiosity quencher nature.

Motherhood Thy Name Is Guilt

I vivdly remember ,that I was just out of labour room when my Mom showed me  the freshest baby I had ever seen (I mean newest arrival in  the world) and I felt no bond towards the baby and lo!!!there was this   onrush of guilt which since then I have felt umpteen times.How could I not feel the affection (mamta -to be more apt), Iam not being a good mother *guilt guilt guilt*.
The baby looked red,  his skin flaky , head elliptical   and again  the familiar feeling *guilt guilt guilt* , for  he does not look as cute as a  Johnson and Johnson baby they show in advertisement ,  I should not have refused to eat custard apple seeds powder with honey which my Mom had insisted upon and claimed that it would be good for his skin and hair .*guilt guilt guilt*.
Whenever he had a colick pain and he cried hard , I was pleading guilty to myself .Either I ate something wrong or the  baby was hungry and I did not know  or I had overfed him . Again *guilt guilt guilt*
Since then I am actually riding on a guilt trip.Now I am a mother of two so naturally guilt has doubled in its magnitude.
I feel guilty when I am taking care of younger one's needs because I am neglecting the elder one ,
similarly when I help the elder one with his HW automatically I am neglecting the younger one .
 when Kids ask  for maggi and I refuse them and give them  greens instead , I feel guilty , but when I am busy and have no time to cook and I give them maggi , its the same feeling *---*.
 Sometimes I pressurise them to study  hard and I feel guilty being pushy and sometimes I just let it go and I feel  more guilty being careless.
I have taken guilt to a level of fine art . When I was  a working  mom , I felt immensely guilty for not giving kids enough time , I always thought Quality time came from Quantity time so *---* . then I left my job and I still felt guilty , may be guiltier if possible, because now I had so much of time at hand that I gave a damn about the quality time.
I asked my mother , if she ever felt the same way  and her reply was a revealetion to me . She said "Now that you ask me about the guilt ,I feel terribly guilty that you have inherited this guilt gene from me ".
I wanted to ask my mother in law too but could not muster the courage because Iam afraid she would be feeling guilty of atleast  one thing  i. e. to allow her son to marry me.

An open letter to SRK

I have decided to write about SRK. The poor unprudent loud mouth.He got himself into trouble once again.Appearantly Shiv sena does not beleive in "love thy neighbour "kind of balderdash.nor does it believe in "offer the other cheek" philosophy which means its Ok for our paki neighbours to do booming at another 5 * Hotel.

Dear SRK
Although you appeared totally sane, sensible and rational while you spoke about IPL and team selection , I would have respected you for saying that about any other country but- PAKIS? Man , we need to build up a public opinion within us first that Pakistan needs to be isolated from the world , from India in the least, so that they feel the need to mend their ways.

Their government should be subjected to public pressure by their own people to stop terrorism,and how do we do that ?-by putting pressure on common people there ,by severing the ties with them.Even if we know that common man in pakistan does not buy bombs from grocery stores or keep AK47 in his garage ,common man does nothing to stop it either.the public pressure will build up only when the public will feel the need to do it.

we are not faking their currency, we are not bombing their cities, we are not doing a propoganda against them the way they do on their government channel against India.(I get to see a lot of Pakistani channels here and I have seen how PTV shows documentaries regularly about Kashmir and claims that indian army is doing atrocities on kashmiri people)
we are being nice to them but being extra nice is just totally uncalled for.

Dear SRK,the Pakistani Government's stand on Taliban is divided.Self styled intellectuals like Imran Khan and many other politicians say that there are good Talibans and bad Talibans.( which implies ,Good talibans are those who do bombing outside pakistan and bad ones do within their own country). Pak Government claims that they cannot gurantee that there would not be another 26/11 in India because it is done by non state actors. This is like a notorious parent allowing their kids to do mischief at neighbour's house and what are neighbour's to do ? -the answer is , stop inviting these kids at Birthday party , the good ones as well as bad ones.
let Good kids teach the bad ones to behave.

Media is going gaga over your aboveboard stand about Pakistan because its the Shivsena on the other side of the fence and whose danda , hooliganism and threat politics is something media has always wanted to oppose .But this time for once shivsena seems to be on the right side.

Shahrukh khan is hurt that he needs to prove his patriotism , but its Ok to exhibit patriotism. . Infact we all should sing national anthem loudly,paint indian flag on face during matches ,attend 15 aug and 26 jan celebrations ,campaign for national causes.Patriotism is not a love affair to keep secret about, its meant to be exhibited and to encourage others to do so. with your kind of fan following, there is a lot you can do by speaking responsibly rather than having hundreds of police men of Mumbai to guard the 63 cinema halls.

Dear Shaharukh , tell me the truth ,Do you really think soooo much about Pakistan or is it the huge audience you have there which makes you say what you say ?
and BTW , your interview with Barakha Dutt on NDTV was very entertaining. you took 95% of the screen space and went on bla bla bla.....dishing out your raw thoughts in animated way .
Have you ever wondered how Pakistani people must be laughing away to glory to see so many Indian supporters who beleive with you that Pakistan is a great neighbour.
SRKji, you need help , you are suffering from foot into mouth disease. I think Vipshyana will do you real good. I have heard they teach you there to keep quiet for days on .The world will not fall apart if you shut up.
With my sincere wishes to you for your movie "My name is Khan"
Regards,
Kirti

Home Coming and the realisation

I returned to my hometown after 12 years ,I mean not to visit but to stay . I was trying to piece together all the memories scattered around the place. I was looking for my school and collegemates on the roads, malls, bazaars and every crowded place.I even tried to trace them down by looking their names into telephone directory , all in vain.

I guess nobody stayed in India anymore.But, the city looked exactly like I had left it years ago.Only new malls and new garbage dumps were being erected in these years,both serving the same purpose ,changing the landscape of the city.

I complained to one and all , at the risk of sounding snooty , that this city has stopped growing, has not changed a bit in a while.

Then one day I went to a garden with my two kids and one of my friend's kid. kind of feeling responsible for towing 3 kids ,like a mother of three kids.And, there I saw a young girl ,a hosteler she told me later , crowded by about 10 men of all shapes , sizes and intimidating looks petrifying the girl. they all looked as if they were guys with no jobs and no purpose in life. They all were condemning her for sitting with her boyfriend in the park bench in an objectionable manner.whatever that means ........

I asked the girl what the matter was and urged the men to leave .She told me her boy friend was already taken by some men to the police station for sitting here with her , may be leaning on each other or whatever.......
The Stupid girl did not even have money with her to go back and was waiting for the benevolent custodians of culture to bring her man back safely.

I suddenly felt like a mother of 4 and did not want to leave her behind. The men were still hanging around . I saw her out of the garden and helped her catch a bus. I almost forced her as she was worried about her boyfriend and wanted to wait for him to see him safe.

I do not know what happened to her boy friend.I do not know if they both are still together. I just hope that the girl learnt her lesson to carry some money with her and be prepared to take care of herself even when she is with her boyfriend.

And suddenly I realised that the city I grew up in has changed beyond recognition.it was no more the city I knew .


PS*
I realised the men loitering around in the garden were not devoid af any mission in their lives. They all had a responsible job at hand , of patching up the moral tattered fabric of the nation.